Today is my wedding anniversary to my husband of 2 years. At the moment we are in two different countries, and when the clock strikes 12 noon, I am going to celebrate by popping my first Prozac in 8 years.
On March 13, 2010, I celebrated my marriage in a lovely old manor house in the English countryside. The weather was lovely, chilly but crisp. Blue skies with sheep meh-eh-eh-ehing in the background. Everyone was dressed up, the flowers my friend created were beautiful. The 5 tier wedding cake I handmade for weeks came out perfect. It should have been perfect, it was perfect, apart from the way I was feeling. Words such as foggy and numb comes to mind. I can hardly remember anything from the moment I walked down the aisle. It's almost like my mind had switched to a different schizophrenic personality and I had woken up from all of it not knowing what happened.
I thought it was just wedding jitters but looking back, my personality 1 must have been screaming "Noooo, don't do it!". Well, I did and here I am popping anti-depressants while reading over and over again the (lack of) email from my husband titled "Happy Anniversary" wondering where the contents of the email, words such as I love you, you're the best thing that ever came in to my life, sappy cliche of sentences I used to get on a daily basis, had gone. There wasn't even a "Love from your husband xoxo"...We have not spoken in 2 weeks.
Mind you, I'm not the only one I know who needs to support the big pharma's billion dollar industry. My best friend has been popping pills since her pregnancy. My other friend goes natural and gets stoned everyday. Another one does both. I'm sure there are many others out there who has tried everything, Prozac, Zoloft, Valium, you name it. However, as we all know popping pills only treats the symptoms but as long as we don't eliminate the cause, the problem will never go away.
I met this woman the other day who is going through a divorce because her husband of many years left her for another woman. She said "Women are so stupid, we just keep hoping." It's so sad, but so true as well. So, to the ladies everywhere who has decided to keep hoping when we know deep inside that things will not get better, I'd like to raise my cocktail of anti-depressants for a toast; to life long unhappiness and wishful thinking!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The waiting game
I have not written for a long time. Life has been a roller-coster ride, most of the time going downhill.
It's nearly eight thirty in the morning and I haven't slept. I've just flown back from the UK yesterday given a day's notice. My old gal FiFi is not doing well. She had been vomiting and had not been eating or drinking for 2 days on the 27th when my mother called. Even before that, since coming back from boarding at my friend's house she hasn't been eating or drinking much. It's now March 1st and apart for the little food I had forced into her mouth, she has not eaten and I am afraid how this is affecting her liver. I took her to the vet on the 28th, ran a blood test yesterday morning and discovered that she has been infected with Feline Leukimia and on top of that she has a secondary infection and is in critical condition. He TP, BUN and CRE are really high, as is her white blood count. The Vet said she might not make it and even if she does make it, she may not live for very long because she is so old. Now I am just waiting for her to stablise so that we can run more tests.
I'm crushed. I cried all afternoon until I fell asleep. I cried again when the nurses wheeled my baby out with her IV fluids. I'm crying again as I am writing this. I am upset, angry, guilty, fustrated. Most of all, I am sad, very sad.I keep getting flashes of the past with my cat, how I found her in a paper box as a little kitten without her eyes open, how her pee seeped through the box and onto my school uniform after I had snuck her onto the bus, how I ran home from school everyday so that I could satisfy her hunger with the bottle, the time when she jumped onto the shelf while I was sleeping and knocked a heavy sand-filled bottle onto my head...she celebrated with me on my birthdays, she burned the mid-night oil with me throughout my A levels and Uni, she moped around with me during my breakups, moved houses with me, consoled me when my family had me down...
She is just a kitty, but she is a kitty that really loves me.
I don't understand, I took her to the vet on the 7th Feb, she had a blood test. Took her again on the 24th Feb. Nothing had been done. Why didn't the vet insist on the FeLV earlier? And why did the clinic keep changing vets, so that every visit is a different guy who didn't know the history? If something had been done earlier, she wouldn't be in the state she is now! My heart bleeds to see my baby in the kennel, as she looks at me with pain in her eyes as if she is saying "why are you doing this to me?"
All I can do is believe that she will get better and pray for her to fight for her life.
It's nearly eight thirty in the morning and I haven't slept. I've just flown back from the UK yesterday given a day's notice. My old gal FiFi is not doing well. She had been vomiting and had not been eating or drinking for 2 days on the 27th when my mother called. Even before that, since coming back from boarding at my friend's house she hasn't been eating or drinking much. It's now March 1st and apart for the little food I had forced into her mouth, she has not eaten and I am afraid how this is affecting her liver. I took her to the vet on the 28th, ran a blood test yesterday morning and discovered that she has been infected with Feline Leukimia and on top of that she has a secondary infection and is in critical condition. He TP, BUN and CRE are really high, as is her white blood count. The Vet said she might not make it and even if she does make it, she may not live for very long because she is so old. Now I am just waiting for her to stablise so that we can run more tests.
I'm crushed. I cried all afternoon until I fell asleep. I cried again when the nurses wheeled my baby out with her IV fluids. I'm crying again as I am writing this. I am upset, angry, guilty, fustrated. Most of all, I am sad, very sad.I keep getting flashes of the past with my cat, how I found her in a paper box as a little kitten without her eyes open, how her pee seeped through the box and onto my school uniform after I had snuck her onto the bus, how I ran home from school everyday so that I could satisfy her hunger with the bottle, the time when she jumped onto the shelf while I was sleeping and knocked a heavy sand-filled bottle onto my head...she celebrated with me on my birthdays, she burned the mid-night oil with me throughout my A levels and Uni, she moped around with me during my breakups, moved houses with me, consoled me when my family had me down...
She is just a kitty, but she is a kitty that really loves me.
I don't understand, I took her to the vet on the 7th Feb, she had a blood test. Took her again on the 24th Feb. Nothing had been done. Why didn't the vet insist on the FeLV earlier? And why did the clinic keep changing vets, so that every visit is a different guy who didn't know the history? If something had been done earlier, she wouldn't be in the state she is now! My heart bleeds to see my baby in the kennel, as she looks at me with pain in her eyes as if she is saying "why are you doing this to me?"
All I can do is believe that she will get better and pray for her to fight for her life.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
This is what you'll get at a free Forex Seminar
Yesterday I went to a FREE Forex seminar conducted by a former hedge fund manager to learn about Forex trading. I should have known better. In Singapore, nothing is for free, there is always a catch. When I was in my teens, there was this guy who used to give me free loaves of bread everyday because he wanted to get into my pants. Too bad he didn't know I was already into diamonds by then.
In this instance, the catch was to "Make money, Lah."
The seminar was listed to start at 7pm but when I got there, they said it wasn't due to start until 7:10pm. Mr. Speaker turned up on stage at approximately 7:15pm, after a celebrated introduction on the projector. No long after had he begun to speak did I confirm my suspicion that the whole seminar was a big sales pitch. Since I didn't have anything better to do, I was happy to stay and listen to see if he had anything useful to say.
I would say he spent a good part of the "seminar" trying to convince the audience that they will never get rich working for their current job (which there is probably some truth to). There was a lot about becoming millionaires and billionaires, getting rich quick and not having to work for a boss. Then he told us the sob story of his life where he rose from rags to riches and told us we need to pray to God, followed by another sob video of a man with no limbs, some Forex facts and finally pitching his 3-day workshop.
I did find his tactics interesting - he IS a pretty good speaker and sales person. He spent the entire 3 hours building up interactions with the audience, encouraging us to shout out in consensus and applaud when he asks. So that when he started to pitch his workshop, we exhibited excitement over all the "freebies" he offered with his workshop. But a sneaky little bastard he was when he tried to close the deal, he said that seats were limited for the upcoming seminar being taught by him, and that he doesn't teach often. Then he asked the staff at the back about the number of places left. The reply was a nicely rounded 20 seats. Then he asked the people who are interested to stand up the first 20 will get a place on the course. (Apparently, last time he asked people to go to the back and people were trampled.)
Of course, human nature dictates that we want approval by our peers and Mr. Speaker had established relationship of the attendees by getting us to interact with each other in the last 3 hours. So that when one got up, others follow suit. In fact, more than half the attendees were standing. The staff then rushed to us with sign up flyer as Mr. Speaker watched on stage. After everyone got there flyers, Mr. Speaker exhibited surprise that more than 20 flyers had been distributed and then benevolently said that he will offer EVERYONE a space. Round of applause! At this point, we still haven't been told the fees of the course.
He asked all the people wanting to join the workshop to all go and sit facing the back, promptly ignoring all the other annoyed looking seminar attendees who just wasted 3 hours of their lives on a week day walk out the door. From far away on the stage, Mr. Speaker jotted down a figure of $396, saying something about making an investment of $15 everyday. There's even an instalment plan, and he will give us $1000 real money to trade. If not, we can get an ipad2! Hand over your credit card now!
By now, I have decided all if I cave now I would feel a fool so I made a bee-line for an immediate exit. On my way home, I bumped into the guy sitting next to me and was informed that it was $396/mth for an instalment plan of 12 months for the 3-day workshop. As I wiped the sweat off my brow, I consoled myself in the fact that I've actually learned a few things about Forex, that I am interested in trading it, as well as some sales techniques I am to never employ.
Looking at how my stocks has gone from a profit of $8000 to a loss of $10,000, perhaps I should really explore a Forex course option. Just not with the celebrity self-made millionaire philanthropist mentioned above.
In this instance, the catch was to "Make money, Lah."
The seminar was listed to start at 7pm but when I got there, they said it wasn't due to start until 7:10pm. Mr. Speaker turned up on stage at approximately 7:15pm, after a celebrated introduction on the projector. No long after had he begun to speak did I confirm my suspicion that the whole seminar was a big sales pitch. Since I didn't have anything better to do, I was happy to stay and listen to see if he had anything useful to say.
I would say he spent a good part of the "seminar" trying to convince the audience that they will never get rich working for their current job (which there is probably some truth to). There was a lot about becoming millionaires and billionaires, getting rich quick and not having to work for a boss. Then he told us the sob story of his life where he rose from rags to riches and told us we need to pray to God, followed by another sob video of a man with no limbs, some Forex facts and finally pitching his 3-day workshop.
I did find his tactics interesting - he IS a pretty good speaker and sales person. He spent the entire 3 hours building up interactions with the audience, encouraging us to shout out in consensus and applaud when he asks. So that when he started to pitch his workshop, we exhibited excitement over all the "freebies" he offered with his workshop. But a sneaky little bastard he was when he tried to close the deal, he said that seats were limited for the upcoming seminar being taught by him, and that he doesn't teach often. Then he asked the staff at the back about the number of places left. The reply was a nicely rounded 20 seats. Then he asked the people who are interested to stand up the first 20 will get a place on the course. (Apparently, last time he asked people to go to the back and people were trampled.)
Of course, human nature dictates that we want approval by our peers and Mr. Speaker had established relationship of the attendees by getting us to interact with each other in the last 3 hours. So that when one got up, others follow suit. In fact, more than half the attendees were standing. The staff then rushed to us with sign up flyer as Mr. Speaker watched on stage. After everyone got there flyers, Mr. Speaker exhibited surprise that more than 20 flyers had been distributed and then benevolently said that he will offer EVERYONE a space. Round of applause! At this point, we still haven't been told the fees of the course.
He asked all the people wanting to join the workshop to all go and sit facing the back, promptly ignoring all the other annoyed looking seminar attendees who just wasted 3 hours of their lives on a week day walk out the door. From far away on the stage, Mr. Speaker jotted down a figure of $396, saying something about making an investment of $15 everyday. There's even an instalment plan, and he will give us $1000 real money to trade. If not, we can get an ipad2! Hand over your credit card now!
By now, I have decided all if I cave now I would feel a fool so I made a bee-line for an immediate exit. On my way home, I bumped into the guy sitting next to me and was informed that it was $396/mth for an instalment plan of 12 months for the 3-day workshop. As I wiped the sweat off my brow, I consoled myself in the fact that I've actually learned a few things about Forex, that I am interested in trading it, as well as some sales techniques I am to never employ.
Looking at how my stocks has gone from a profit of $8000 to a loss of $10,000, perhaps I should really explore a Forex course option. Just not with the celebrity self-made millionaire philanthropist mentioned above.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Starting over again.
It's 9th of September, 2011 today. I have noticed whilst creating this website that I registered my blogging account in Jan 2010. I honestly didn't realise it has been nearly TWO years since I made the decision to start an investment management blog, which came to nothing because I haven't made any smart investment decisions in money since then. In fact, I haven't really made any smart decisions, period!
So as I sit here in my brother's apartment this muggy afternoon contemplating my life, I realised one of the most constant thing in my life is starting over; be it staring a new home, new school, new job, new relationship, new aspiration, new hobby, new book, new painting, and so on. I can't seem to stick to anything and see it through to the end and it seems to have gotten worst over the past year. Why is that? I would love for someone to tell me.
The last couple of months has been a restless one, where I have been plagued by a growing anxiety to leave the current life I am living now, to seek a simpler life, and to be like everyone else. Sometimes, I yearn for the life I had 7 years ago, but at the same time I do not want to go about life in the same short-sighted, irresponsible manner.
I can feel in my bones that it is time to put into action drastic changes in my life. It is time to start over again. As I draft my escape strategy, for the first time in my life, I am worried about the repercussions.
So as I sit here in my brother's apartment this muggy afternoon contemplating my life, I realised one of the most constant thing in my life is starting over; be it staring a new home, new school, new job, new relationship, new aspiration, new hobby, new book, new painting, and so on. I can't seem to stick to anything and see it through to the end and it seems to have gotten worst over the past year. Why is that? I would love for someone to tell me.
The last couple of months has been a restless one, where I have been plagued by a growing anxiety to leave the current life I am living now, to seek a simpler life, and to be like everyone else. Sometimes, I yearn for the life I had 7 years ago, but at the same time I do not want to go about life in the same short-sighted, irresponsible manner.
I can feel in my bones that it is time to put into action drastic changes in my life. It is time to start over again. As I draft my escape strategy, for the first time in my life, I am worried about the repercussions.
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